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Archive for April, 2010

A Wide Open Space

Sometimes you get shown your heart in the strangest of ways. All this year, I’ve had this nagging feeling of being like a fish out of water, of being in the wrong place, of not really being able to get inside things in one aspect of my life: at work. From the sagas of Diego to the noises and grumbles from me about the differences between the philosophy of my Montessori training and the school’s practices, I’ve been supremely grumpy and sort of “getting through it” without being fully present, fully alive to the work I do each day. Not a very good way to move through an internship.

Sure, there have been times of sincere and meaningful work, and of course, I am doing my best at my job, but there’s always a space between me and the work I do; it’s never felt like I am the work I do, but more like, I just do my job, like a job, without much joy and without much love.

But tonight, stuffing myself full of dosa at a coworker’s home, realizing how much I have been exposed to in the way of another culture within my own, the struggle of these two things meeting in mid-air, it reminded me of the Zen saying of two arrows meeting in mid-air. Suddenly, I was filled with love; even as I realized I should be ashamed at my petulance for the last several months, I broke open wide with the full feeling of my life and where I am, right now. To be in the midst of it is good. Sometimes, I feel stuck, unsure, incredibly hot and uncomfortable. This is also good. Looking at things through a clear lens of open mind, open expansive sky, the birds that fly through are of many different flocks and feathers. I don’t hate myself for being blind until now. I only can finally start trying to see.

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