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Archive for February, 2012

WWJD with these Morons, oops spellcheck I meant Mormons. If I offended you, defriending me is always an option. Have people no decency or shame?

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Worst day ever.

Yesterday morning I awoke as a shrew, hissing and sharply cursing my sons name as he started early, coming to my bedside first at 4:45am, then every fifteen minutes following until I finally rose from the bed in fury, gave him breakfast and set him in front of the TV while I groused and grumbled to my ex in Philly via text message, because the reason our kid was up at the buttcrack of dawn was that he was excited for me to drive him to his dad’s house early on Saturday.

This is not our typical plan; every other Saturday Diego goes to his dads but typically gets picked up Friday night, and wakes up in his bed in Philly on Saturday morning. My ex’s car had broken down earlier in the week and still wasn’t ready, come to find out all this on friday afternoon, which changed my friday night plans significantly.

My friend was having a party that night for his retirement which I now had to miss, partially, at least, since it’s not appropriate to bring a kid to the bar (at least for too long:), and was extremely pissed about that. I had agreed to drive Diego up to Philly the following morning and was also supremely annoyed about this; I hate driving, i have no money these days which means going to philly will waste gas, time and money, and I selfishly look forward to my Diego free weekends and make plans, even in my head, that I don’t want to change.

Total baby, I know. Too bad-i was sulking. That’s the backstory.

I get my stuff together and continue searching for my car keys, which I had looked for Friday night without success. Thinking I’ve locked them in the car, I walked outside to check. Oh, by the way, it’s snowing. Not a fun trip over the bridge in the snow with all the leery drivers being stupid, I’m already fuming when I open the door to my unlocked (yes) car to find my keys. Clicked in the ignition with the battery drained at 8am on Saturday when all I want is to deliver my son before my whole day is wasted.

How I wish I only knew what an effing waste this day would truly be, just an epic loss on every front.

Ugh, I text my dear neighbor who appears moments later with cables and a friendly face, we get the car started and finally start off toward PA, heading out of Bordentown on a snowy Saturday morning. A block from home, a cop gets behind me and follows me from a short distance, until we get stopped at the light that takes us out of town. After making the turn, he turns on his lights and I know I am done for. This car was a ticking time bomb and the timer had just run out.

I’ve been horribly irresponsible in my life in many arenas. No, this is not a proud statement but it’s the unvarnished truth, which, I like to adhere to.

No solid career, moving like air throughout the years from town to town like a wandering gypsy, no ownership or many responsibilities to take on. I’ve had roommates , lovers, or parents to worry about paying the bills on time, or I set up autopay accounts and forget about it, just stretching my meager pennies enough for my own enjoyment.

When Diego came along, sure, it changed my game up a bit, but now that he’s six we’re in a rhythm I’ve created that still follows the formula I’ve lived by, including letting things slide that I find lower on priority lists, blah blah blah, which is to say I’ve been neglectful with my car issues. When you move to a new state, you’re supposed to register your car in that state and change over your license and registration within 30 days. Guess who never changed her Illinois tags?

Officer Nameless comes over as I roll down the window, we play the game and then he asks for my license and registration. When they don’t match, he gets very indignant and lectures me about the thirty days. And then he sees that my license dates me back to that address for over a year. Now he’s pissed. It doesn’t help that I have three thousand insurance cards in my glovebox but can’t locate the current one.

When I finally say I just can’t find it, he rises up at least two more inches in his shiny black boots before he asks me to remove my personal effects from the vehicle and get into the second squad car that’s been called to the scene. Cut to me holding back real tears, pleading with him to just let me go home with my car and take care of everything by the court date. Needless to say, we know who won this round.

In Bordentown there are no such thing as secrets. Being dropped off on front of my house, with my kid, in a police car at 8 am on a snowy Saturday? I’m sure half the towns tongues are wagging right out of their heads. The officer who drove us home was a sweet person who apologized for the other officer and expressed sympathy for my situation. Diego was crying in the back of the car because he thought I was being arrested. No, honey, my car is.

Now there were ten thousand things to do requiring large sums of cash to get my car car back. Back at the house, I took care of business and somehow managed to get the cop who pulled me over to come back into the station-where, in a small-town and adorable style there was actually a phone inside this box that you have to open and then dial up so they can dispatch an officer back to the station to let you in-and when he arrived, I got my release form and went up to the thankfully local impound lot to fork over more cash to get the ole Scion back home.

Of course my friends and my boyfriend all helped me throughout this awful day and I appreciate everything they did, but in the end I was (and am, ultimately) left alone to face myself and this very laughable and sadly preventable, mess I’ve made.

So, instant carma for my nasty behavior and my misdeeds catching up to me, I finally feel drained and horribly depressed about every facet of my life. And now I’m beyond broke, I’m already so sick of my whining about money. It just feels so overwhelming and I feel very alone in my life, bumbling along and probablydefinitely screwing my kid up along the way.

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Oh shit ode

I promise I’m not going to waste any of your time
All I want to do is give you some of mine
Sometimes I’m only looking for a little sign

Seems crazy to say something should never change
Life has shown me places I could never arrange
Without the others by my side to lead or fall in line
I’d be alone walking the wilderness with my heart stone blind

To quote Diego I would only have to say thank god
Wish it were that simple and it can be, though odd
Just take each moment as it comes not trying to catch
Hold of anything too long to feel it slipping past

Just standing in the basement with heavy shit on my mind
Pockets never deep enough for the thoughts I find

I don’t mind doing laundry and sorting all the clothes
All I want is not forever but then again who knows
The truth is with stuff like this nobody ever knows

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, oh yeah baby I get it
But if the future feels like this here present then there’s no reason you won’t be in it
Not digging too deep I just don’t take nothing for granted,
Because that’s not where the magic happens (and I’m born of that stardust)

Just wanting things to be the way they are; nothing else, nothing more,
but nothing
is ever that easy.
Time can’t stand still,
things develop.

Feels like something so amazing just deserves the full truth.
Move along, don’t try to stop it, time is only more proof.
I think the more we fuck with trying to figure it out, the more it really gets screwed.
So just enjoy the blessing, and keep it loose.

Can’t believe what I’ve found developing in the darkroom.
Took me by surprise, down there in what once was a tomb.
Maybe love isn’t a fable but it needs courage to fully bloom.

I’m not trying to go too deep, move too fast, say too much. But my way is the openness that keeps me looking and acting from a place of youth, a place of earnestness and maybe even naïveté sometimes. It’s my combo and it works, I’m always exactly where I’m supposed to be. My life is my tapestry. Forgive the curses, this is my ode.

Love,
Stacy

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